THE VAULT

 

You are welcome to use any of this page for your own production.
All I ask is that you credit me where possible (additional material by Chris Bennion / Moldiwarts.co.uk) and if you would like to donate to my ‘Keep the Writer In Coffee’ fund, then that would be awesome (Donate via Paypal)

Alternative Lyrics
(if you have a song that you would like re-worked, get in touch)

You’re So Vain (Uglies in Cinderella)
My Favourite Things (written into Aladdin script but suitable for most shows)
We Will Rob You (Reworking of We Will Rock by Queen, suitable for most baddies)
Bruces Rap (reworking of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme from Camelot)
King Of The Swindlers (from Dick Whittington, sang by King Rat and Fitzwarren)

 

Downloadable Sound Effects.


Jokes and One Liners
(Find it on Facebook – #MoldiwartsJokeOfTheDay)

HOBBIES, BOOKS and THEATRE
* Went to a bookshop and asked the assistant to tell me where the section on pantomimes was. She replied “It’s behind you.”
* Don’t you just hate people who use long and unusual words to make themselves appear perspicacious and sagacious?
* Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.
* My new hobby of collecting badgers is going well. I only need two more for a full Sett.
* I have been told I cannot make another omelette until a whisk assessment has been done
* I won two awards recently for my paper entitled ‘Plethora and Profusion’. I’m really touched. They really mean a lot to me.
* A poll of 100 people was taken to find out how many people at a campsite would be annoyed that their pole was taken. 100% apparently.
* I was sacked from my local am-dram production of Treasure Island because the producer said that my portrayal of Long John Silver was not authentic. I put my foot down and insisted it was.
* Today i am writing my book ‘The Art of Procrastination’ but I’m just going see what’s on tv first, and check Facebook. Oh, the carpet needs hoovering. Oooh, cute cat video on YouTube.
* If you’re going to a fancy dress party and want to be ignored by everyone in the room, go as an elephant.
* Q- Why did the chicken buy a ouija board? A- To get to the other side
* I’ve just invented a new word – Plagiarism
* For the past three days an actor friend of mine has fallen through the floorboards at the local theatre. I think it’s just a stage he’s going through.
* Q- Why do we tell actors to ‘Break A Leg’? A- Because every play needs a cast.
* A piano tuner turned up at our house today. I told him “We didn’t order a piano tuner.” “No,” he replied, “Your neighbors did.”

FOOD and DRINK
* I’ve just come back from a BBQ hosted by Sooty and his friend Sue. They had organised various activities for their guests and I won the Sweepstake.
* When Elvis was born he had a sponge cake for a bed, cherries for a pillow and was covered in fresh cream. He was born ‘In The Gateaux’
* Milk is a really quick drink. It’s pasteurise before you know it. Include a scone and that’s one hell of a fast meal.
* Why do Marxists only drink herbal teas? Because proper tea is theft!
* The A Team were having food fight. Hannibal threw some eggs, Face threw some cheese, Murdoch threw some ham and BA threw some shortcrust pastry. All the food collided mid-air and Hannibal said “I love it when a flan comes together.”
* Our local restaurant had a special ‘3 Week Old raw chicken’ dish on the menu. It was really popular. The place was heaving.
* Two clowns are feasting on a couple of cannibals. One clown says to the other ‘I think we have this joke wrong.
* As a child, John Lennon did not like vegetables on his plate until one day his mother suggested he give peas a chance.
* A piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind around here.” The rope goes outside, ties himself up and then roughs himsellf up a little bit. The rope walks back into the bar. The bartender says, “Aren’t you that rope that was just in here a minute ago?” The rope says, “Nope. I’m a frayed knot.”

JOBS and CAREERS
* I got a job as a contortionist. My new boss asked me how flexible I was.  I told him I couldn’t do Tuesdays.
* My dog is training to be a Blacksmith. Whenever he gets the chance he makes a bolt for the door.
* Been looking for a permanent job. I was offered a job at a bowling alley but I turned it down. It was only tenpin.
* Our local pubs menu includes Shepherds Pie, Ploughman’s Lunch and fisherman’s pie. They sure employ a lot of chefs.
* My sea captain friend was talking to me for hours about his ship is held together. It was riveting.
* Q) What has four wheels and flys? A) A garbage truck.
* I’ve just had an interview for a new job. The interviewer said he was looking for someone responsible. I told him that the last place i worked at burnt down and they thought I was responsible. I didn’t get the job.
* My maths teacher at school hated negative numbers. he would stop at nothing to avoid them.

HEALTH  and FITNESS
* Snow White conducted a household survey. The results were that six out of seven dwarves were not happy.
* I’ve just wrapped some paper around my upper arm. If anybody wants a shoulder to Crayon you know where I am.
* My dad told me that his mom would always say ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away.’ I’m not sure I believe that. i think it’s just one grannies myths.
* My vision has been bad since I sprayed myself with pepper spray by accident. The doctor refered me to great website. It really was a site for sore eyes.
* My wife asked me to pick up her contact lenses from the opticians. I went into town to Vision Express. They hadn’t got them, and they couldn’t find my wife’s details on their system. it’s turns out I should have gone to Specsavers.
* Trust me, there is a cure for Claustrophobia. You just have to think outside the box.
* I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But I’ve got the ins and outs.
* What do you get if your septic blisters burst in your wellies? Puss in boots.
* I have an extreme and irrational fear of very large people. They call it Feefiphobia
* I went to the bank today. I asked the cashier to check my balance. So she pushed me over.
* Apparently if you use pork instead of tobacco it is not only healthier but it’s also good for you. Got a headache, aches, pains or any other minor ailments? Smoking bacon cures it.
* I must be mad. I keep knocking on my own front door, popping round the back and opening the front door from the inside. I just don’t know what I have let myself in for.
*  I’ve just wrapped some paper around my upper arm. If anybody wants a shoulder to Crayon you know where I am.
* I recently got crushed by a pile of books. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
* I went to the doctor and told him I had trouble saying words beginning with F, T or H. He sighed and said “Well you can’t say fairer than that then.”
* Transylvanian dentists are keen to make vampire teeth look and feel more pleasing … so they are studying Fang Shui.
* My friend has a really cheerful and bright outlook on life. He is constantly happy and always looks on the bright side. He gave blood last week and apparently he has a rare blood type – B Positive.
* Whenever I sneak around quietly I find myself unable to eat chocolate. Doctor says I suffer from Tip Toe Diabetes.
* A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t Worry” said the midwife, “these are just the contractions.”
* Q- How do you kill a trend setter? A- Throw him in the Mainstream

LIFE and DEATH
* I was walking through a churchyard and saw a bloke behind a gravestone. “Morning.” I said. “No,” he replied, “Just picking daisies.”
* The same man was carrying a spade as well. “Do you dig graves?” I asked. “They’re pretty cool, yeah.” he replied.
* Two clowns are feasting on a couple of cannibals. One clown says to the other ‘I think we have this joke wrong.’
* i was having a fist fight with this guy down by the railway tracks just where two lines converge. I won on points.

SCIENCE and TECHNOLOGY
* The Millenium Falcon had a communications upgrade. It is now Hans free.
* My dating website for chickens is not going well. I keep on losing money. I’m struggling to make Hens Meet.
* I have built a robot, but it keeps going a different route to the one I programmed. . I call him R2 – Detour
* The chemical formula for water is HIJKLMNO

CHAT UP LINES and ROMANCE
* Chat up line : I’m gonna need GPS because I think I’ll get lost in your eyes. (I was going to post a better line but this one was Cornea.)
* Q) How do you get an elephant into a Mini? A) Undo the zip, let it out quite a bit and tell her she has great legs.
*A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a Double Entendre. So the barman gives her one.
* They say that time heals wounds, but it caused most of mine. The wife hit me with an alarm clock.
* I gave my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It wasn’t her main present, just a stocking filler. There was a fault with it so I tried to take it back. Unfortunately I had lost the receipt and they refused to give us our money back.. Trading Standards say it’s in their rights to refuse a refund, and we don’t have a leg to stand on.
* For her birthday my wife asked for something cool. I bought her a fridge. You should have seen her face light up when she opened the door.

CRIME & PUNISHMENT
* I told a really good Pun to a kleptomanic friend of mine. He took it literally.
* Bailiffs are trained to bang on doors at the School of Hard Knocks

THE WEATHER
You know its coming up to winter when Sir Lancelot and Sir Galahad are put on the rack. It’s the time of year when the knights get longer.

TRAVEL
* I love exploring new lands and discovering new cultures and i always sprinkle pepper and salt on my head before I leave. I like to think of myself as a seasoned traveller.
* My wife is much better at doing a strong Black Country access than me I guess it’s true what they say, the female of the species is more Dudley than the male.
* My mate works as a lorry driver. He told me that one day he was asked to pick up a load. When he opened it he found a trailer full of pensioners making shoes. He swears it’s a true story but I just think it’s a load of old cobblers.
* I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.

FAMILY
*  I read somewhere that 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There’s 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ling Yu. But I think it’s Colin.
* I didn’t want to believe that my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

ANIMALS
* What’s black and white and rolls down a hill. A penguin … rolling down a hill.

SLIGHTLY LONGER JOKES

A woman took her pet rabbit to the vet because she thought it looked ill. The vet examined it and said the rabbit was fine. The woman asked for a second opinion.
The vet whistled and a dog entered, sniffed the rabbit and whispered something to the vet. “It’s fine.” Said the vet.
Still unsure, the woman asked for more tests.
The vet opened the door and a cat wondered in, jumped on the table, looked at the rabbit, whispered something to the vet and then left. “Like I said, the rabbit is fine.” The vet said.
Bewildered, the woman decided to take his word for it and asked for the bill.
“£200 please.” The vet told her.
“£200 for you to tell me my rabbit is fine?! That’s expensive.”
“Well,” said the vet “my initial examination fee was just £20, but you have to pay extra for the Lab Report and Cat Scan.”

POETRY
* National Poetry Day
Today is National Poetry Day, so I thought I’d write a verse.
I’d take my time and get it right, unfortunately I’m stuck at work.
6am, early start, my boss gave me a dirty look
He says it’s not allowed to write whilst driving a fork lift truck

I tried to hide in the toilets, to get my juices flowing.
Someone’s banging on the door, I’m never going to finish this poem.
Tried working in an office, in a health and safety meeting.
They reckon I’m not paying attention, but my poem needs completing.

I was writing in the canteen, but my gaffer caught me there.
The Goods Lift seemed the perfect place but there’s cameras everywhere.
I think I have it sorted, I’ll hide in the smoking shack.
Oh, It’s okay, I’ve loads of time now. I’ve just been given the sack.

 


ROUTINES

Routine – Money for Nothing
A slight variation on the ‘how many days do you work’ routine.

You are welcome to use my stuff on this page for your own production.
All I ask is that you credit me where possible (additional material by Chris Bennion / Moldiwarts.co.uk) and if you would like to donate to my ‘Keep the Writer In Coffee’ fund, then that would be awesome (Donate via Paypal)